The Experts: Are
you sabotaging your relationships?
Dear Keith and Maura,
3 weeks into a fun, mutually rewarding relationship. Why is he suddenly backing away?
Vexed in Virginia
Were so glad you asked this question, because it demonstrates a key point in the process of creating lasting and fulfilling relationships: the importance of asking the right questions.
What are the right questions?
Well, before we answer that, lets take a look at the opposite. What are the
wrong questions to ask? These would be questions that tend to sabotage your efforts by continually pointing you in the direction you do not wish to go.
For the most part, any question that begins with Why is going to keep bringing you back to what you dont want. Why? Because whenever you ask a question, there is a part of your mind that takes it
completely literally, and is very eager to help you get exactly what you want. You could think of this part of you as being like a very small child. The child doesnt really understand complex questions, it just takes them simply and literally, and it
really wants to help you, so it will always do whatever it can.
For example, when you ask the question, Why is he suddenly backing away? that part of your mind says, Okay, so you want to understand why someone is backing away from you. Well, the best way I know of to show you why someone would be backing away from you is to
continue to attract you to people and situations where that happens, so you can take a really good look at it and have a good chance at discovering why it keeps happening. That little child doesnt understand that what you really want is to be with someone who doesnt back away, but
stays with you.
On the other hand, if you were to ask a question that begins with How for example,
How can I attract a man who will stay with me? then that part of your mind will respond by making you aware of all the people who are doing that successfully, and
how they are doing it, or by helping you to recognize and develop aspects of yourself that will attract someone like that. This type of question tends to move you away from what you dont want, and toward what you really do want.
Now, there is one productive way to ask a Why question, which could be
even more effective than a How question. If you imagine yourself having the absolute Best Possible Outcome (we call this your
BPO) you would love to have, and then you ask yourself why you got that outcome.
Heres an example:
You want to have a lasting, fulfilling relationship in fact, you want to be attracting so many great candidates that you can take your pick and find the perfect one for you so you imagine that it is
already happening, and then you ask yourself, Why do I always attract wonderful men who really appreciate what I have to offer them, and are ready for a long term commitment? You can, of course, add in any other words that describe your ideal mate, to fit the picture of your personal BPO.
And heres one last tip.
Change doesnt often happen overnight. It takes time to develop new habits, but the only way to develop them is to get started and take
one step at a time. Those little steps will add up quickly, and before long you will notice that things have really changed for you. So if you want to get started with the process of asking how questions instead of why questions, just start
paying attention to how frequently you are asking those why questions, and one-by-one, just take a moment to replace each one with a how question. If you miss some, thats okay. You are still making progress, and as you continue to do this, you will be more and more aware of the questions you are asking, and soon you will start to catch yourself beforehand, instead of having to replace it.
If youve watched or read The Secret, or any other books on the Law of Attraction, then you already know that the way to create change is through repetition creating new habits and sticking with them.
Are you ready to create a new habit?
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